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And I mean flushed in the non-bathroom sort of way Weighing my pockets with stones of longing |
On Monday after folkdance I ran outside and fell back into the snow on the Chapel lawn. I stayed there, spread-eagle, my coat unbuttoned, my hands in my pockets, just watching the sky turn from blue to evening, framed by empty branches. Everything seemed so small and familiar, or rather, I felt like I filled up all the space around me. The wind tickled my stomach, and the snow massaged my back, inducing shivers and quiet laughter. I talked to the sky for a while. Asked the trees for advice. When the light grew grey, I curled my knees up and galloped the rest of the way home. Somewhere during that twenty minutes of lying still in the winter landscape, the cold made me realize how much I miss being touched. I was thrilled by sensation, just because it seemed so foreign. Over the weekend, Ben tried to hold my hand. I figured it was the beer. I retreated into my bad posture and silence, perhaps spurred by my high-school ensemble, then stumbled home, crawled into bed and felt lonely. Being the socially awkward constantly worried person that I am, and having confided in Sierra about my fear, she convinced me to e-mail him. Just to set things straight. I saw him the next day, asked him how he was doing, and he just said, "Worst fucking day ever." Tried to tell myself it didn't have to do with me. Theo came over just after that. He was giving Sierra a back rub, and I started feeling agitated, and then felt upset for feeling agitated, and ended up feeling depressed. Wonderful. Didn't get to sleep until 6:30, despite going to bed before 2:00. Tuesday I was invisible. Even in my bright orange coat, someone walked right into me. Twice. Wherever I went I kept seeing people wandering about aimlessly and changing direction. Maybe the whole world is as confused as I am. Or maybe I'm just taking it with me and passing it on. Have been living in a dream-state for a couple of weeks now, with rare breaks of energy. I got to talk to Suzy tonight, so things are a little better. Still much to talk about, but not up for it now. I can't even seem to maintain proper sentence structure. That means it's time for bed. Here's to seeing my family soon.
Smiling in the sunlight, laughing in the rain at 12:50 a.m.
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