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And I mean flushed in the non-bathroom sort of way Weighing my pockets with stones of longing |
**Written originally on a music stand Tuesday 8 February** Here is how horrible I feel. I am about to practice the sitar, so hopefully that will help soothe me a little. I can't seem to stop dreaming about Theo. At first they were pretty anxiety-ridden, or disheartening, usually going something along the lines of "see you Monday". Our hangout time on Sunday (it was postponed this weekend) was sadly and uncharacteristically awkward. I felt so boring and uninteresting which is awful in the first place, but on top of that I couldn't seem to find the energy or enthusiasm to change that. It was just so pathetic. The non-mopey part of me says: at least while you're dating someone you always have sex as a fall-back activity when there's nothing else to do, but if you're just friends you are required to live down the silence. Finally after watching Steven play Resident Evil for about an hour I willed myself to go home and get some sleep. Theo's expression was oddly hopeful when he said goodbye--maybe I'm projecting, maybe he sensed my discomfort, maybe he was happy it was over too--I suppose it's not worth speculating over such a little thing as a high five. Really, Allison, this is getting ridiculous. I noted that the necklace returned, sans ring. That seems healthy. I IMed Theo some ridiculous apology, and he sent back nice things. I also talked with Patrick briefly about things, no extensive analysis or anything. Part of the conversation went like this: HIM: It just makes me sad, because I feel like Theo really loves you. After that conversation, I went to bed and had another dream. It took place upstairs in Colwell. I was in the hallway chatting casually with Seth. Theo looked out of a room, saw us talking, looked furious and slammed the door, so I followed Seth into his room. We sat down. He was going to put on some music, so he starts blasting "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Moments after the notes reach his ears, Theo comes running into Seth's room, filled with eagerness to reverse the break between us, grabs my hand and rushes with me to his room where we tearfully reunite and envelope each other in overwhelming affection and frantic kisses of relief. Upon waking, my thoughts returned to the ever present fearful realism of the word "unlikely." I guess that's why they call them dreams. Recently I'd been starting to get over my "see Joe, feel sick" reaction. Lauren seemed to think we could eventually be on good terms again. We even kind of talked about what we're doing after graduation. I know, or get the impression, that he just doesn't really care that much, but honestly I was a jerk to him too, so I feel I can at least be honorable enough to be amicable. I was on my way to the snack bar for a comfort hot dog (I am most definitely my mother's daughter), and Joe jumped out yelling something about a tattoo to a girl down the hall and nearly scared me out of my wits. It was enough to make me not hungry anymore, but I went and got something to drink anyway. On the trip back I ran into him again, so I told him he cheated me out of my appetite. I asked him if he had been talking about a tattoo for himself, so he started telling me about it. Just when I was running out of things to say, Theo came down the hall, ducked between us and turned the corner in a hurry. I think I managed a weak "Right." before I scuttled back to the room. I nearly burst into tears in front of him. I'm pretty sure Theo's busy all night so I probably won't get to talk to him, and even if I did, I don't know what I could say. "So, I know that must have been awkward for you, but, hey, it's not easy for me either" when it's not like THEY kissed each other while Theo and I were dating... This is such a fucked-up disaster. And by this, I mean me. Update: He IMed me! Tonight around 1:00 Theo stopped by and downloaded a file-sharing program on my computer and stuck around for a few minutes while we listened to awful music. I know it's not a huge deal that he messaged me once he got home, but it felt really nice. I tried to reassure him for the end of his midterm exam. The conversation was very brief, but I really couldn't help but be excited about it. Yes, I do realize that this is an unprecedented low in Allison's romantic-cool level. But I really cannot help myself. I'm not letting everything shape my expectations of how things will go--whether I love him or not, I have no way of knowing what is going to happen in the future. But I am acknowledging how I feel, simply because if I don't it will drive me nuts. And you, oh lovely Diary, understand and accept me unconditionally. What a blessing.
Sometimes when I'm crossing the street, I secretly hope to get hit by a car. at 2:32 a.m.
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