Newest Archives Profile Whispers Rings Host
And I mean flushed in the non-bathroom sort of way Weighing my pockets with stones of longing |
I had plans to go to Cleveland for Suzy's birthday, and I was dying to see her. Over the few weeks preceding, though, I kept getting e-mails from Ben about staying with him for a night while there. I kept telling him no, that I wasn't comfortable with the idea and that I was going for Suzy's birthday and wanted to be with her (having lived with her for 4 years and having been friends with him for a matter of weeks, I thought this was reasonable). He replied with pleading. And then anger. I stuck to my guns like a good girl. Agreed to dinner at his apartment with the group, though, to be fair. I had no objections to seeing him. Well, I started having objections when he kept pushing, but I thought I should be forgiving. The night of Suzy's birthday party AS she was blowing out her candles, Ben cornered me in the kitchen wanting to talk. Obviously not a good time! I told him as much; he kept looking at me, making this guilt-inspiring face and amidst the clapping and balloons and jello shots I got slapped with a flash-back to high school and the demands of being in Alex's grip. I panicked, shut myself in Suzy's room, called a friend from home who knew the whole story. She said if I didn't want to talk to Ben I didn't have to, that I could just tell him I didn't want to talk and keep my distance. So I did. Managed to have a pretty good time at the bar we went to. Had a strange experience when I realized all the girls had wandered off towards cuter boys and free drinks elsewhere leaving me in the middle of a crowd of Suzy's male companions. It was late, there was talk of going home. To my chagrin, Ben heard a rumor of pancakes at Suzy's and accompanied us home. I hid again, mad that I was so upset because it was Suzy's birthday for goodness's sake and pancakes sounded like the perfect comfort food. In the end as Ben was finally leaving I came out and he was lingering so I made myself say goodbye which turned into an awful endless conversation outside on the steps. Too painful to even revisit what all was said. I think I did well sticking up for myself, keeping up positive appearances, but Ben didn't take it well. By the time he left I had been exhausted for hours already, and I find myself faced with a locked door. Suzy and Laina had gone to sleep and were too drunk to hear me let alone worry about where I was. I had nearly resigned myself bitterly to sleeping on the porch until Laina finally heard me desperately knocking from my seat on the ground and let me in unceremoniously. She laughed when she opened the door. When I crawled into bed next to Suzy, she said "Hey, Laina," and rolled over. As lame as it sounds at twenty-two, I cried myself to sleep. Discovered the next morning that K had called me around 2:00. How much that would have saved me if only I had taken my phone outside. Amazingly enough, things got a lot better even the next day. I considered myself as having earned some time without communicating with Ben, Suzy and I spent four hours in bed together laying around, sleeping and watching Darby O'Gill and the Little People. That afternoon we went to the Greek festival, ate splendidly, watched some folk dances, and I laughed until I cried when we went to see the 40 year old Virgin.
Desperate times call for desperate measures... at 7:08 p.m.
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