It's never too late.

And I mean flushed in the non-bathroom sort of way

Weighing my pockets with stones of longing

Especially when those days are Saturday and Sunday.

They always come crawling back

Minnesota vacation 2005. (I know I wrote while I was there, but the notes have since disappeared...) Highlights:

My sister didn't come up with us, opting instead to go to Barcelona to be with her boyfriend. Understandable, but her absence was felt by everyone and talked about most of the time.

The additional space in the car usually reserved for her luggage was taken by my sitar. It was the marriage of two lovely things, having that sitar up north. And to top it off, I think my playing improved.

Caitlin's not being there left me the head of the household as far as the young'uns were concerned, a totally new perspective. I took advantage of it as best I could, getting out more often, drinking and joking more, doing more late night saunas, being more vocal.

I beat "Master John" at bowling. Everyone on our team had a name like Major Payne, Lots of Payne, House of Payne. I was All the Payne. Payne, we decided, is measurable by the length and argyleness of one's socks. "Bring the payne" = to roll up one's pant legs. Someone put songs that reminded me of Suzy on the jukebox.

I got Brian to go swimming for the first time in about 10 years, and he ended up going twice. I had entertained thoughts of whether last year would come up in conversation. He left early. It didn't.

On the way into town for emergency late night doughnuts, we saw a big black wolf in the wild. It was beautiful and terrifying. I would have liked to stay and look at it longer, but our designated driver was too scared.

Had meaningful AND adorable conversations with my younger cousins.

Had a close encounter with a mink.

One night feeling penned up with the gang just sitting around in a small smoky cabin I strike out for a walk in the dark on my own, carting a beer along for company. It steels my nerves when I make it out to the Y, and it's gone by the time I get back. I feel better.

In one night (the same as above) I managed to get several compliments from Miss Perfect Ruth prompting Brian to ask if she was hitting on me, to shock Brian into pretending to not speak to me via never have I ever, and to hear the words "marry me" from Kelsey after I proclaimed I had a hankering to watch football.

Another night later, Kelsey and I are out on the point talking until after 3:00. We're laying on the rocks and he rolls onto his side and for a fleeting instant I wonder if he's plotting to make a move. Brian arrives, however, traumatised by an encounter with the girl who is desperate for him, and the three of us put our heads together and chat out under the stars. I entertain fantasies of us being an item, all three of us, and it feels blissful, even when the fantasy is long over.

Maura spent the second week staying at our cabin which hampered my alone and out time slightly but was still quite fun. Seeing the bruises on my back after the late night out on the point with the boys, she accuses me of more fun than I'm capable of. Note to self: buy the scorpion album. They still rock.

The second to last day, I was about to go for a boat ride with the other boys and ran into Kelsey on the path, who was already promised to his mom and her friend Jane for a blueberry picking outing. I asked if he wanted company and he seemed so relieved that I said farewell to the lake and jumped in the car. Out on the Echo trail the blueberries were so thick that it would take armies years to pick everything that was there. It's a wonder that the bears weren't out in force. The crop was so good that Jane, even after 7 full containers, swore she would come back early the next day to cart off another few tons. Kelsey and I, in the spirit of adventure, agreed to come along.

5 am the last day, Kelsey comes down to get me for the blueberry picking. We are both still half asleep, and silly with it. It's a miracle neither one of us has backed out. We bring along army blankets to make a little resting area since we know Jane's going to go nuts. I bring my MP3 player, as promised, so we can have some tunes out in the wilderness. We spend hours in Eden, eating the sweet fruits of the earth, enjoying the sweet strains of the Clovers and the Coasters and the Cleftones. While we pick, we crack jokes and sing goofy impromptu songs, and curiously the topic of bondage keeps surfacing in our conversation. He reminds me that he used to tell everyone back home that I was his best friend, back when we were five. I'm his oldest friend. We throw blueberries at each other. Like the ridiculously wealthy, surrounded by such bounty, we take a break after picking mere handfuls. Laying on that blanket in the early morning sun... It seems too comfortable to be real. I'm embarrassed to be reminded of Daphnis and Chloe. We toss blueberries in each other's mouths, or attempt to and instead make fools of ourselves and a mess of our clothes. We discover the natural exfoliating property of blueberries and I laugh at being reminded of the ceramics scene in "Ghost". After our outing I spend a small fortune on gorgeous antique books in town, then spend the rest of the afternoon making origami animals with everyone in Kelsey's cabin. That evening Kelsey gives me a tarot card reading and the last card I draw is "Love". He doesn't notice the curious look I give him. Shortly thereafter, we all get scared out by bats. The last night passes amiably making blueberry cobbler and then sitting out in the frigid darkness, always waiting for the northern lights, never wanting to be the first to go.

Eventually, Kelsey and I are the only ones left. He's afraid to go back to his cabin because of the bats. At least I tell him I'm keeping him company because I know he's afraid to go back to his cabin because of the bats. The cold chases us into the empty cabin up on the rocks. Fear of getting in trouble keeps the lights off. I'm unshowered, unshaven, exhausted and dirty. We sit on opposite ends of the couch. He tells me he's had a crush on me for a few years. I don't tell him my sister tried to tell me that last year. I do tell him that she used to lock me out of our cabin to try and get me to sleep with him. He attempts to give me a foot massage. I hit him in the face with a couch cushion, then invite him upstairs.

For a while at the end of the school year I was feeling self-destructively inclined to go out and sleep with as many people as possible. (Never accomplished.) Ben talking about me getting a job in Cleveland made me swear off boys altogether, except for the imaginary kind. Theo's leaving made me wonder if I should swear off imaginary boys too. Then this last night softened me somehow. After twenty years of playing together at the beach, the kid and I kissed. By the time I had sense to check the time it was 5:30. My alarm had been set for 5. My parents and I were leaving at 6:00. Too rushed to properly say goodbye we ran down separate paths. I scurried home, ran past my parents with my head down, ran to take my bags to the car, managed to get through breakfast with Brian's dad, and looked out the window in a daze for the 10 hours home, at the end of which I realized that I didn't even have Kelsey's phone number. That night he e-mailed it to me, Lord knows how he found my e-mail address. On Monday we talked on the phone three times.

"You rock, you give me butterflies, I'll talk to you later." That's what he said...

On a break from work at 7:05 p.m.