It's never too late.

And I mean flushed in the non-bathroom sort of way

Weighing my pockets with stones of longing

Especially when those days are Saturday and Sunday.

They always come crawling back

Weird things happened today. A veritable topographical map with all the different spaces for mountains and valleys.

I was at work until 7:30. The store closed at 5:00. Theo called three (three!) times, and Suzy once. And Phil once! That was the best phone day of all time. Chris Renk came in... I think around 4 or 4:30. He was there at least an hour, leaning on the teetering box of sour belts and eyeing me with a penetrating curiosity. I kept my arms close to my body and ended up spilling my guts about my fears of my mom running away from me. He spent the next 20 minutes talking about his musical compositions and career choices. He should have been running away, like I wanted to. I don't understand it at all. When I escorted him out (unbeknownst to him, on my way to meet my parents who were picking me up to tell them I hadn't even closed yet), I felt empty and quiet. And my footsteps didn't hurt or make noise in my head except a dull, distant throb, like that creepy phone call I got a couple nights ago at 12:30 a.m. I went back to the store and sat on the floor, rearranging shelves and feeling my eyes get puffy and feeling confused for an hour and a half. I spent the last half hour admiring my decorating skills.

I talked to Zoe tonight. She told me about how she had the best two days, spent mostly dancing with Mariam and hot guys. Theo once asked me whom of my girl friends I would marry if I had to or had the choice, and I said Mariam. I am fascinated by her; she has so much spirit and energy and heart. I remember the first day I met her. We were at SpeakOut. I came in late and sat down at the table next to her. We didn't talk to each other until after the meeting when she turned to me and said, "You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." And I told her, honestly, that I'd thought the same thing about her when I'd sat down.

Of Mariam Zoe says: We talked about EVERYTHING under the sun--all sorts of life descisions for her, and wow. I can't repeat any of it--but I just know so much more about her now. I kept having htis thought fly randomly through my mind that "Someday, she is going to break my heart" and it wasn't in the romantic sense--but in the sense that, I have this really incredible friendship with her, and on the day that that friendship disappears, I am going to feel a tremendous loss.

I told her: I've had that feeling before. it's kind of a blessing and a curse at the same time... like it's having something wonderful with the cost of losing something wonderful.

I envy you that knowledge of her

Zoe replies: I don't think you should.

Zoe is breaking my heart. I don't know why it hurts so much; it's kind of silly. But I love her so, in the way that I've known her forever and would still love her if we drifted apart, and I love Mariam in the way that I want to love her desperately because she is so much of what I want to be, so intriguing... And put two loves together and it's crushing.

I think I am emotional. Sometimes I'm stone-faced. Sometimes I can watch anything and not move a muscle. Sometimes I can not say a word, no matter how loud someone else is. And sometimes I'm like a reed in the wind, and everything moves me.

I feel tender, though not yet sore. I think I'll go wrap myself in a blanket and cautious, bewildering self-pity.

Slightly depressing, childish kind of day at 2:57 a.m.