It's never too late.

And I mean flushed in the non-bathroom sort of way

Weighing my pockets with stones of longing

Especially when those days are Saturday and Sunday.

They always come crawling back

Last night had a conversation with Suzy and Sierra about possibly reserving the room for Theo and myself. I'm worried that I'm looking at things fish-eyed, inadvertently trampling them or myself or somebody. I am all muddled. I feel like I must be doing something wrong somewhere but I can't figure out what it is or how to change it. (This is not considering my less-than-ideal management of personal duties such as homework, budgeting, health care...) Am I in over my head with Theo? I asked them. How much of myself have I put away or let go since I started dating him? How different would I be if we weren't dating? Who do I prefer to be? Maybe spring break will be good, space to think and try and sort through my mushy thoughts. I don't want to let him go. There are so many good things that have come out of our relationship. But I don't want to accidentally sacrifice part of my friendships or myself by not noticing what's happening. Sierra said that I've changed since I was no longer single, and that startled me. It's true things have moved really rapidly...

It's hard for me, feeling like I can't talk to anybody about so many of my thoughts. I wish I hadn't let my friendships from home loosen ties. I wish that I didn't feel like dating Theo made a barrier (even a little one) between me and the girls. It's almost like I'm out of the singles club, and so one major string between us got cut. It's not like I don't still think about guys in general or past relationships or a lot of things we talked about before, but somehow being labelled as a "girlfriend" puts me out of the loop. Veils me, segregates me. Isn't Theo just a relationship like Sierra is? Like Suzy is? Just on different terms like every friendship must be to accomodate different personalities, different bonds, different experiences. So I allow my physical interaction with him to go farther than I have with anybody else. I've let conversations go deeper with other people but that doesn't seem to make a difference. Sometimes I wish there could be that friendship lasting understood fidelity between people who love each other without having to give it some isolating name. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't taken whatever step it was that made me ultimately different from all my friends, made me inaccessible, made conversations taboo or uncomfortable or condescending. What boundary would I have needed to stop at to save that closeness and freedom with my friends? Why must certain experiences define me as over an edge, changed, no longer allowed to claim my innocence and ignorance and god, even youth gets lost in the mix. I don't want to exchange physical intimacy with one person for emotional intimacy with another.

It seems like so many people are seeing me differently the more I tell them, and the more their reactions to me change the more I forget who I'm supposed to be, how I really feel. I adopt whatever screen gets placed over me.

I really hope that I can gain Suzy's and Sierra's confidences like I had them before. I miss them. I wish that being "attached" didn't mean held back. From strengthening other relationships and from being who I used to be, single, who I still am.

I'm pretty sure one of them did my dishes this morning too. I feel like a schmuck.

If you girls are reading this, I hope it's not weird that I put it here without saying it all to you in person. I guess it's easier to sort thoughts and allow mistakes when I'm just writing by myself. If I've been a jerk, or in any way less good to you, I'm sorry and I'm working on it. Feel free to make suggestions. Just don't shut me out. I love you, too.

Philosophical? babbling at 4:54 p.m.