It's never too late.

And I mean flushed in the non-bathroom sort of way

Weighing my pockets with stones of longing

Especially when those days are Saturday and Sunday.

They always come crawling back

Probably a few days from now (tomorrow, if I have any self-respect), this will seem like nothing at all. But right now it's making me feel really upset. I don't know, maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I'm not really comfortable with the way things are as much as I think I am, or I don't know what.

Theo and I didn't go to the cities today since our third testing party didn't show up, so we dropped off the car and walked to the snack bar. Decided we should spend some time together since we would have been out anyway. While we ate, John joined us to chat, and that was fine, I was pretty uninvolved just because I didn't have much to say and because I didn't have any idea that John even worked downtown, so discussing his work changes would not have gone very well on my part. John eventually stood up and said he should be moving on, and Theo promptly said, "I'm going to go play some pinball. [Looks at Allison] Meet you at your room later?" I was surprised that he seemed to have so quickly forgotten that we were spending precious time together, but I thought I should just let it slide and appreciate the time when he got around to coming to the room. So I said okay and went home.

When he finally did come around, Suzy and Sierra were changing to go to aerobics, Sierra had just walked in from the bathroom and was closing the door when Theo burst in, saw Suzy in her sports bra, ran out apparently offended by "walking in on her," saying in his defense that the door was open, then left. Suzy said she didn't care because she was, in fact, dressed, and so they called him back in. I was just at my desk, so when he didn't come back I went out to meet him in case he was hiding somewhere.

Turns out he had gone somewhere else completely. I thought maybe he'd gone home, so I called, but no one answered, so I figured maybe he'd wander back eventually. After a while I IMed him asking where he was. A good half hour later he responded. Said he was driven off by my yelling roommates, figured "it just wasn't worth it" and had been home ever since. He was "sorry he missed me." Was I not here? Am I really just not worth it for him to holler that I should meet him in the hall or at least tell me before he ditches me? Of course he'd played an AMAZING game of pinball. Maybe that distracted him.

I don't know, I probably shouldn't be making a big deal out of it, but it seems like a lack of general courtesy and common sense, and his wording just hurt my feelings. Of all things, I don't want to be "not worth it" if the only effort required is acknowledging my presence. Maybe I'm more sensitive about things since the "thanks gals" fiasco, which I would have been shocked to hear coming from any of my friends, let alone the one I'm supposed to be dating.

I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. Sure it's good when it's good, but it just doesn't quite make up for this crap. And it would seem that love is no longer in the picture, not since the beginning of the term has that word escaped his lips in a personal context, and yes, I've been too afraid to bring it up. Thinking casual could be good for me. But from this moment onward, there will definitely be no more sex unless some serious changes take place and are well established as routine.

This sucks. I have to go to my office hours now, and try not to think about it. *&#@&*^.

sucky at 6:34 p.m.