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And I mean flushed in the non-bathroom sort of way Weighing my pockets with stones of longing |
Let me apologize, first of all, for the emotional tirade of yesterday. I don't know why I was so sensitive about that whole thing, it really was a stupid mix-up. Haven't yet talked to Theo about things, but hopefully I'll have the opportunity sometime soon. Things have just been kind of rocky lately, and maybe my fears about that made "not worth it" the last straw. Sheesh. I wish I hadn't been built to cry. Or if only someone in my past had just told me to suck it up and fix things right away and recognize my emotions later, that would have been good. I wish I had been told that if I feel bad about something then that something is not okay and needs to be changed, instead of letting me sulk and feel stuck with feeling terrible. Oh lord, how much that would have helped. I guess it's never too late to become a woman of action. Speaking of which, I voted in my first presidential election today. If Kerry wins, I will be very, very, very proud. If W wins, I will probably freak out, feel like the whole system is foutu and seriously think about some drastic U.S. evasion tactics. Gotta think about comps. Minimal effort is the keyword for today, I think. Ok, so now it is 5:30 p.m. I talked to Theo a little bit at lunch, and it didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped, though I don't really know what I expected. Things just aren't right. We were maybe (I hoped) going to talk tonight, but now it looks like I may have been bumped out of his schedule. God, this is frustrating. Talking with the roomies makes me think I need to be supportive of whatever Theo is thinking, but also that some space is needed here. It's been three years almost. Is it time to move on?
second guessing at 12:00 p.m.
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