It's never too late.

And I mean flushed in the non-bathroom sort of way

Weighing my pockets with stones of longing

Especially when those days are Saturday and Sunday.

They always come crawling back

I'm staying tonight just in case we have anything more to talk about.

I'm kind of tired of crying because of everything I look at. I went for a walk around campus this afternoon, and everything was empty like a giant theater set or elaborate playground with nobody around. It was so cold out that my ears were stinging. Walking down the sidewalk lined with towering, bare trees and no one else walking made me feel comically tall, and like I was wandering around in a dream I'd had years before, half expecting to run into myself acting out the scenario. But the only people I saw were a distant huddled mass of maybe twenty people shuffling towards the art building, and a couple I know, holding hands and sneaking into the hall of science where it's warm.

The doors of every building I stopped at were locked, so I had to keep turning around and finding a new direction. Eventually I ran out of places I wanted to get into.

I slept for a long time this morning after Theo left to go to the cities, and when I woke up it seemed like nothing had happened, nothing had changed, everything was stable and quiet and I was just drifting along.

I don't want to face anybody.

At the beginning of the conversation, I started getting my hopes up. He was smiling and saying maybe it was a good idea to see other people. But then I had to be honest. And tell him. Because no matter how much I want to be with him, it's not fair to him knowing what I did, knowing that he wouldn't have my full attention. At the time, it didn't seem like much. But I guess it only takes a little thing sometimes to disrupt everything. Why couldn't I just say no to myself? And look where it's gotten me. I tempted myself with a concept of fate, but from the outside I was only making the same mistake twice.

I feel terrible, and I don't know how I'm going to be prepared to go on like this is normal.

I guess I should have known it would hurt this much.

Making plans seems so pointless. How could I have thought this would be better? No matter how I feel now, I try to keep thinking that for some reason this is necessary. I'll just have to deal with it.

Feeling incapable of hurting people because of my intentions was a fantasy. So here's a big I'm sorry for everybody who's involved in this. And that's just about everybody I know at school. I wish it were all over. And that enough time had passed and that I'd branched out enough and that maybe Theo and I could try again.

Maybe this is childish of me, but I don't know what to do with all this unhappiness. Don't situations like this happen all the time to other people? That's the only idea reassuring me right now, and that's pretty depressing. I hope that at some point I can look back and say it was worth it. Or at least the only choice that could have been made.

But for now I'm just going to look like a big asshole. I'm torn between holing up to wait for the storm to pass and just letting everything go to pot. It would probably, like everything else, cause irreversible damage. But having destroyed so much, self-destruction seems to follow, logically. Cynicism just cushions me from my guilt, I guess.

I hope I can survive the trip home, the five hours listening to myself think.

changing everything at 3:21 p.m.