It's never too late.

And I mean flushed in the non-bathroom sort of way

Weighing my pockets with stones of longing

Especially when those days are Saturday and Sunday.

They always come crawling back

I thought about writing Kim a note. "Kim, Have you ever had one of those crushes on someone where you want to be like them because they're so cool and do all the things you wish you did? I have had a crush like that on you since who knows when, and I wanted you to know."

Then today threw me.

Back up first. Tuesday I had my first appointment with Marit at the wellness center. She's going to be my counsellor/therapist from now on, I guess. It went pretty well, I'd say--no unexpected bawling like last time. We talked about high school and all my little "quirks" I picked up from hanging out with Alex. Also how I don't go to my parents for help, how I hide and judge my own feelings, how I put other people first. I don't know, I guess it was okay. It's still kind of weird talking to someone I know is analyzing what I say because then I keep going back over statements, explaining them in ways to avoid them interpreting too much. Like, "Sometimes when I'm upset, I don't eat as much, but it's not because I decide not to, I guess my eating habits just go a little wonky when I get sad, which I think is normal, it's not like I'm purposefully not eating or anything..." just to avoid her sitting there for the next our suspecting that I have an eating disorder (which I am fairly certain I do NOT). That's kind of irritating, restricting what I say to avoid certain reactions.

Anyway, I didn't cry, even though we talked about crazy physical reactions to crying that we both get so I guess I'd feel alright crying in front of her if I had to. But I had to go straight to folk dance this time so I didn't want to be all blotchy. We figured we'll talk a lot about how to deal with feelings. I guess the grief thing fits under that category. I'm kind of nervous about confronting that one.

Folk dance was fun and I want the music so I can dance by myself sometimes.

Tuesday night was the first French Team meeting... We talked a lot about Pretty Kitties and secret passwords and such... Suzy and I came up with tons of silly ideas after the meeting. It was hilarious how through the whole thing Theo was staring at the basketball game that was on TV behind our heads...

On the way home, Suzy and I sat in the warming hut for a minute to get out of the cold. There were these great snow boots inside (fuzzy on the inside) and they were enormous! There was an older guy out skating really well, I figure they were his. Anyway, Suzy wanted to try them on because she'd never worn boots like that but she was too scared so she paid me to do it. I did, wore 'em outside for a bit, then came back in. We were about to write him a note that said we liked his boots when he opened the door to the warming hut. He was really old and cute. So we left and laughed about it all the way back to Myers, all the crazy things we're going to pay each other to do.

We watched Amelie together while Sierra studied Japanese. I fell asleep watching "Ghost World," unable to finish my homework or crawl into bed. I keep thinking about the sad picture I drew at Theo's, and how he said something about talking to him if I ever feel like that (the girl in the picture) and I responded, "I never said it was a picture of me." Do I believe that for a minute?

Wednesday morning came all too quickly. I met Sierra at breakfast, so at least it started with some food. Came home and hurried to finish my Latin homework, giving up on the last Act of King Lear. Mondays and Wednesdays are automatically stressful. The whole day I keep imagining the mountain of tasks looming over me until the very end when I can't remember what I forgot or anything.

Here's an added bonus: I wanted to see if Zoe had computer access still in Senegal so I checked the latest update date on her diary, with really no intention of reading it. (I stumbled on it last night and avoided it because I knew she wouldn't want me invading.) Unfortunately, I ended up seeing something that let my curiosity get the better of me and I am so angry at myself for it. If I could erase it from my eyes and memory, I would.

As it turns out, she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I'm no longer one of her "essential" friends, so what's the use? She hung out with me on breaks because she couldn't make herself say no. How do I respond to this? Of all the people I know, Zoe has known me the best. This feels like an amputation. Who else is ever going to be that close to me? I feel phony now trying to build something with Kim when Zoe is cutting ties. I don't really know why. And it hurts me that Zoe is holding onto Kim, but not me.

I tried to finish my homework before class, but I was pretty distracted. When I left the room, Theo was sitting behind a pop machine waiting to surprise me. He saw that I wasn't feeling well, so he walked me to class. It was really sweet of him. Classes were going okay and then George reminded us that our memorized sonnets were due today and I had forgotten completely about them. I didn't have my history reading done so I couldn't get myself to go to class. I just felt too crappy about it. I even missed that talk about 18th century letter writing that I was going to go to.

One good thing about the day: I actually ended up doing really well on my sonnet. George told me it was "immaculate" even though I stumbled when I made the mistake of looking up instead of at the floor. He also said my last paper was great and that he'd never noticed that all the rhymes were feminine and that was "genius" on my part and Shakespeare's. (Woo, what encouragement!) We chatted about my interests and he was really pushing me to be a Medieval and Renaissance Studies concentrator--which I was planning on already!--and it sounds like he'd act as kind of an advisor for me on that. He asked about my major and I told him about my sonnet in the Polyglot... He even said he'd be interested in talking to me more about the Mali trip "before and after." What a cool guy! I don't feel like he hates me anymore; he may even be hitting semi-mentor status. That felt really really good. I made up a whistling song on the way home, and slept to forget things, including the sonnet I just memorized.

Tuesday-Wednesday at 4:32 p.m.